Fireworks on the Freeway-July 4th

The festival was almost dull all day. We had a few problems with some of the musicians but at a quarter to nine me and Karyn were recruited for a "Secret Squirrel" mission of sorts. We had no idea what we were doing, so when we all met up at a extra huge handicap porto-potty with gloves we thought we were doomed to move a toilet. Luckily we were escorted to a cop car (and I can honestly say that I've never heard anyone say that). The cop was going to take us up onto the closed off freeway (which was closed because the fireworks were being shot off right below and plenty of debris, some still on fire, would land on the freeway). We had to drive through town to get onto an off-ramp. It was me, Karyn, and Xolie in the backseat of this cop car, and you could tell by the looks on most peoples faces they were suprised to see such attractive young women who had been arrested. So we laughed and waved with our wrists together, making faces (some vulgar). Even the cop thought it was funny. We finally got onto the freeway and the cop let us out. I have never been on a freeway before in my life, at least not outside of a car. It was bizarre, but also very cool. We even got to lay in the middle. There was a firetruck and a group of firemen on the freeway with us, for safety reasons I'm sure, but they seemed to think they were there to flirt. Xolie and Karyn watched the fireworks laying in the middle of the freeway (but I wanted to give them some privacy, and I was scared of having some flying firing debris land on my head). So I sat on the firetruck, talking to some of the firemen. One even invited me back to the firehouse to hang out. I graciously declined. After the fireworks were over we walked along the freeway looking for large pieces of debris. There were other people that were there specifically to pick up the trash and it had a very creepy zombie feel. Me and Karyn even walked towards Xolie like we were zombies....very funny.

Having fireworks exploding right above you is loud, but brilliant. It was for sure, a once in a lifetime opportunity. I'm really glad that I got to see it happen. And I hope that next year we can do it again.

I will never forget July Fourth 2006.

Sunset July 5th

Transcribed from my journal:

My very own sunglassed sunset. I got up here early. This time alone. It's windy but the air is perfect and having the wind through my hair is nice. Without my sunglasses the sky is yellow and blue, pastel colors and so beautiful. With them though, its orange, yellow, pink and blue. (And you can see the lining of the clouds right above the mountains).
So here I am with my altered sunset. Alone, but hardly lonely. Long day. I began to think the sun would never set. But myself as my witness, it finally is. Unbelievable and so refreshing. Once it hits the mountains it sinks quickly. I almost hate to see it go. Half way gone, but soon I'll unalter it and the colors will come. Purple mountains and a rainbow of colored clouds and sky, fading into the still blue sky. The ball has sunk, completely below those mountains. And slowly a few clouds settle into place above the golden glow. Reds getting darker nowand a purple strengthens. I can feel the sky darkening above me, maybe even around me. They always say a watched pot never boils, but a watched sunset boils too fast. Unbelievable. And I'll watch it in reverse in the morning.

Beautiful.

I can't wait.

Sunset July 13th

Yesterday again, Giles (my stranger) came over to enjoy the sunset. It's become tradition and we do our best to do it everyday. We climed onto the roof and settled in for the sunset at the perfect time. The sun was just hitting the mountains, and the colors had just begun. I couldn't have asked for a more beautiful sunset last night.

And even though the sun sinks fast when it hits the mountains,
I pretended that it lasted for hours.

Long-time now Long-distance

Shame on me for not finding a way to say goodbye. But I was too scared. I can't believe she's actually leaving. That I won't see her. I've taken advantage of having her so close. Got so used to seeing her all the time. I feel like I may have wasted the last few times I got to see her on stupid stuff like talking to other people. I should have just been with Hiroko. And I know I'm going to miss her dearly. I can't imagine my life without her. Shame on me for being too scared to say goodbye. Afraid to cry and live up to the reality of her leaving.

Once we were long-time friends, now it will be long-distance.

Sunsets and Small Friends

Today's sunset was meant to be shared with The Bizz. We spent our waiting time listening to music. And when we finally went to get on the roof we realized that we hadn't found a safe way that Lizz could get up, so we ended up watching the sunrise from behind the house through the trees. We had already gotten half way up and I had to crawl by Lizz in order to help her get down by having her jump on my back. It was definitely an obstacle for the both of us.

Still a sunset enjoyed.

Sunset June 27

After enjoying the sunrise that morning, I planned to watch the sunset. The roommates had gone to rehearsal, so it was just me and my friend Josh. We climbed up to the top of the garage which had been discovered to be the most comfortable place to sit and watch the sun. It had been a cloudy day and the clouds became paintings in our minds as we lay and waited for the color to come in. We had started early so we had plenty of time to share the paintings we found. Finally just as the sun was dissapearing over the mountains, the color came through the clouds in just a way, and made a perfect sunset.

Sunsets with Strangers

Yesterday the sun started to set on an empty house. I had already planned to sit and watch, but I hadn't planned to do it alone. There had been this guy that had been messaging me on myspace, in a friendly chatty way. We had been messaging back and forth for a few weeks, so I decided to invite him to the sunset. After a few trust questions, I gave him directions. So he showed up after talking on the phone for a few minutes and we climbed up to the roof and caught the end of the sunset.

So even though yesterday the sun started to set on an empty house, the sun set with strangers.

Good night Morning.

Last night I hung out having deep conversations at Benny's until four thirty or so this morning. We talked about so many things. I started the deep trend by asking "Do you want your parents life?". We then talked about family, and how we hope to learn from our parents' mistakes. I think that it's one thing every parent wishes for their child; to have learned from their mistakes. I know that my mother would be proud to hear it.
When I got back, Karyn and Anthony were up (they had been watching movies, "Misery", to be exact) so since the sun was rising I pulled them on to the roof of my garage. We sat there and watched the sun rise through the beautiful morning clouds. The weather was perfect for sunrise watching, warm with a cool slight breeze. I realized, sitting on that roof, that sunrises on mornings like this are one thing that make me love life. It was perfect, and I got to share it with my two best friends (my loving roommates). We then took a short walk under the newly sunlit trees. And then to top it off, we got donuts and brought them home to listen to the Dresden Dolls while eating them.
I couldn't have asked for anything more. I'm so thankful. For Benny's friendship, my roommates, the lady at the donut shop, and the Dresden Dolls. Without them my morning would have never been this.


I feel so much love.

Ouija

Last night was the first time that I ever played with a Ouija board. We had decided to do it after Karyn and Anthony (my roommates) drove out to Haunted Ponds, they were terrified and left quickly, returning to a small party that a few friends had thrown at my house. I sat and listened to their "terrifying" experience, which just sounded like they had spooked themselves. Benny (another friend) had come over and it was just the four of us. I'm unsure what started the Ouija part of the conversation, but we soon decided to play. We lit three candles and turned off all the lights, the board we were using had been found in the desert by a friend of Karyn's, and we placed it in the middle. The four of us, each to a side, sat with our legs crossed. I was nervous, shakey even, because I had been raised to believe in such things. At first Benny was the only one to ask questions, and I watched everyones fingers carefully making sure they weren't playing around. At first the board only spelled gibberish, moving slowly. But after only a few minutes it began to move much faster, gliding across the surface. Answering questions quickly, then waiting (almost as if patiently) for another. Ace, his name. Two other spirits were present, also male. When asked when he died he said 1995, when asked where he lived he said LA. We of course asked if he was a good spirit, he said yes. When asked if he knew I was scared he said yes. Anthony then asked if I should be, Karyn quickly telling him that those are the questions you don't want to ask in case the answer is yes. But the pointer quickly went to no. I began to feel hesitant, afraid to ask questions for fear of the two other spirits answering. I haven't done any sort of spiritual activity in years. Not since I was about thirteen, and alot had happened since then. Alot of death, that I wouldn't want to explore. My mind filled with thoughts of what every answer could mean. Worried that it might make sense or worse, direct it to me. We played the board for about an hour, but Karyn noticing the look of fear on my face told the spirit/s that we were signing off. The pointer glided to GOODBYE and we all lifted our fingers. My hand was ice cold, while everyone elses was warm. And the worst thing, is it was cold from the inside. I could feel it in my bones. I most definitely plan on playing again, not only out of curiousity, but pure desire. All of my dreams were muddled last night, as if I was watching several movies at once on the same screen. Nothing clear, multiple voices and sounds, and a strong sense of being crowded.

Ouija, what have you done?

So yesterday...

Me and my mother went to see the One Acts at the community college (my roommate and some other friends acted and/or wrote). Before we went we got coffee and cookies, but that really has nothing to do with what I'm writing this for. When we got out of the car at the college we went to cross the parking lot and this car came peeling in. My mom made this little yelp and half runned in front of the car. So I said "What, were you trying to lure the car away from me?"and she did a little fake scream and yelled, "Don't hit my baby!" While waving her arms around. We laughed so hard we almost didn't make it in time.
And then during one of the intermissions I noticed a friend of mine (Liz the Biz) sitting in the front row, I wanted to get her attention so I balled up a gum wrapper and went to throw it at her. But my mom grabbed my arm and in a hushed voice (hushed but still loud enough for everyone to hear her) said "That little girl is watching you!". So I turned to look and this little girl was literally a foot from me and staring at me through her bangs. I swear it was something straight out of a horror movie. And that provoked even more laughing.


That is all. I just wanted to share/remember some of the funny times I have with my mom. I swear that if she hadn't raised me I wouldn't have a sense of humor.

The Best Date of My Life...

Yesterday, after weeks of planning, me and Rian finally had our date. He picked me up at about seven and we made the trek back to LA. We ate at an Indian restaurant but I honestly don't remember the name, it was on Sunset though, nice place. So we ate, some, and boxed the rest. We had decided to pass it on to a homeless person if we found one (I know right, as if we wouldn't be able to find one in LA). A vegan homeless hungry person. We imagined our search..."Excuse me sir, are you vegan? No? Nevermind then."

After dinner was done we went for coffee at StirCrazy, we had lattes (his regular, mine soy). While sitting outside we had the company of several Russian's and a bulldog who tickled my foot by smelling my shoe, I was even more tickled when a friend of the owner told me that the dog only went for nice shoes. Then we witnessed one of the Russian guys putting one of the Russian girls into his trunk, she seemed all too willing. It was hillarious because after she was helped out of the trunk she was laughing so hard that the dog started to attack her. They had smashed a waterbottle to use as a ball for the dog and when someone threw it the dog took off running after it and pulled the chair with him, throwing it up in the air. It was absolutely fantastic entertainment.

Now these Russians were doing a crossword puzzle, but not with any luck. And me and Rian had been trying to think of something else that would be fun to do. So we decided to get a New York Times to get the crossword puzzle. So we did. And to avoid these people thinking we had copied them (which we had) we decided to drive down to Insomnia (another cafe), alas there was no seating there and we had to make a change in our simple plan. So we ended up at a bakery and sat outside with our Heart-shaped truffle cookie and our crossword puzzle. We had almost fininshed when the bakery closed up so we moved again, this time to a bar.

A Korean businessman bar to be exact, called Prince. We sat and finished the crossword with plenty of time to spare, so Rian got his Hike and I, a glass of water. To explore our creative sides we started to draw on all the pictures in the paper. After finishing that, the paper covered with extra hair and a few penis' in random places, we started to change the headlines to suit our new photos. We changed almost every single headline in the Entertainment section. We had gotten so used to changing words that when we left the bar, the first thing we noticed was the different ways you could get the signs to say dirty things. I laughed so hard that I snorted, and I doubt I will ever live that down.

Getting back into the car, the smell of the Indian food reminded me that we still needed to find a homeless person. So we drove down Wilshire, spotted some questionable homeless people, but decided they were just waiting for a bus. Finally after a few miles we found a bundled up woman and Rian jumped out of the car to hand her the box of food. She was writing and Rian decided that it was probably Maya Angelou and that she just happened to write like that.

We needed to find another place to go since neither of us were ready to end the date even though it was after two, so we decided to try Insomnia again. But first we had to drop by his place so he could get a cigar and I could meet his new Robot Vacuum, who was sleeping. Insomnia ended up being closed, so we drove by StirCrazy, which was also closed. No luck. So we ended up back at his place where we sat at his front windows while he smoked his cigar and we chatted. After the cigar we busted out the keyboard and banjo, I was wicked impressed, he seems to do a bit of everything this guy. And after "jamming" for a little while we decided to draw. So he pulled out a huge drawing pad and we sat and doodled while we listened to some Dylan on vinyl. After the drawings were done, we chatted for a while and then realized it was already almost five in the morning. Time to call it a night. So he drove me back home, and that was the end of my fantastic spectacular first date with Rian.

Six in the morning. Eleven hours. Rian and Me. Best fun ever.

CSMFJ

Cacao. Santa Monica and Federal.

Jeremy. Bringing customers in, and sometimes (some more often than others that is) kicking them out. If you're a stranger to Cacao and Jeremy, you better play it safe. Don't talk back, don't take up too much space, and don't ash on his floor.

As for the regulars? We get our chairs, our coffee, and our ashtrays. Settling down for a comfortable evening at Cacao.

Come, join us. We might just fall in love.

I need to write

No one reads this anyways. Thank god. But still its good to come and write. Listening to music to set a tempo to my typing. Add a beat. A rythm. And that song was too fast. So apparently eighties music isn't the best to play while typing. Especially when my hands fumble and make enough mistakes at their regular pace. And I want to read but I know I need to write. But reading is what inspires me to come here and write. So maybe next time, I'll have something more interesting or better prepared or formed. Maybe.

Explanation for whats to come.

Easier to write and just write. But there have been times lately that I feel as if I can't anymore. As if I'm too happy to write. But it may be a good time. To get something more positive out of it all. And to say I'm in love with the most perfect person in the entire world. To say that I want to spend the rest of my life with them. And then some. To explain and tell stories that make me laugh when I tell her. To just write it all out so that I can remember it all in detail and laugh with myself. While I'm alone. Thinking of more things to tell her. More things to talk about, or explain. Writing should not have lost its quench as it had before. I want to write more now. And then of course there are all the things to whine about. Like all the stupid boys...always stupid boys. But I'm happy now, and there is nothing they can do to change that.

Circumvented.

Defeated.

I never had time to surrender.

Watch the I

So why would it be this way? And no one knows, so everyone cares to. Secrets not worth keeping, not worth having. Wasted my time, and yours. But now what? When this is how it feels, and I hate it again. But what could I do to not hate this? Back to that hole in my stomach, unwilling to try and fill it. And so this is, just like I've always known. Not depressed, happy once. Once and again. Someday, sometime soon. I make myself sick. I make you sick. Watch the I kill me.

The Hole In My Stomach and Perhaps More

I've always been known as a worrier. My mother, my whole life, has been telling me that I worry too much. But finally its catching up with me. I'm eighteen and I have an ulcer...apparently this is something that may have happened before and I had never noticed. You see I had food poisoning last week and my stomach became very sensitive, especially since I wasn't eating much, so now this ulcer is super noticeable. I was doubled over in pain for most of the past few days, and had to suffer through my classes. The only good thing that has come out of this entire ordeal is that I've lost a few pounds. Ray has been fantastic, making sure I get good sleep, and anything else I need. Weekday mornings we normally wake up kind of early to get Anthony ready for school, but when the alarm went off on Wednesday Ray told me to stay in bed and try to get some more sleep. He did everything that morning. As far as today goes its much better. Funny though, everyone keeps asking what I'm stressed about and yet the only person that knows besides my mom is my ex-boyfriend.
Truth be told I'm too worried to tell Ray, perhaps making this hole even bigger.

finally new

I do believe that I confuse myself more than anyone else. But when it comes down to it, its always the same-It was never enough.
And thats the simplicity of it all.
The irony is now I refuse it to be as simple as I pretend, as simple as I try to make it, as simple as I claim it is. So now its all a jumble, and I can't fix it.
Perhaps its silly of us.
Do you think?


--in a little while, we'll only have to wave

perhaps i'm going insane

in an ocean of thoughts
that doesn't seem to end
and i wonder when i'll hit another shore
or maybe there is no more
maybe i've hit them all
rolling on these shores of sanity
where i should have stayed
but instead i've rolled back into this ocean
and is this ocean of thoughts truly an ocean
of my own insanity?

in loving remembrance

a slight wave of heat
over my brow
reminds me
of the anxiety attacks

the ripple before the wave
listen
you can hear, you can hear
it crash on me

a small whimper
a loud scream
you'll always know
remebering the terror

how frightening
how desperate