perhaps i'm going insane

in an ocean of thoughts
that doesn't seem to end
and i wonder when i'll hit another shore
or maybe there is no more
maybe i've hit them all
rolling on these shores of sanity
where i should have stayed
but instead i've rolled back into this ocean
and is this ocean of thoughts truly an ocean
of my own insanity?

in loving remembrance

a slight wave of heat
over my brow
reminds me
of the anxiety attacks

the ripple before the wave
listen
you can hear, you can hear
it crash on me

a small whimper
a loud scream
you'll always know
remebering the terror

how frightening
how desperate

Straight from the source- My journal.

Private concerts that I didn't ask for. Trains in the distance. And my love is fully absorbed in himself and his music. I listen, whole-heartedly, wishing I could write. So, now again, of course I'm here. Practicing writing, dreaming of days when I'll have a pile of these. Beautiful photo albums. Heartwrenching diaries. Brutally honest journals. Dull, boring, exciting, fantastic. I don't care. I love. Love-existence. Existing fully, perhaps on itself. Times like these I know I can breathe and be full. Artistic, gorgeous. Wrapped in our sheets and love. Regardless of what other people say. They've really got no idea. (He shifts his music, I shift my body, both to be more comfortable and content) It's too bad that no one can see how it is. With me and him. There are sometimes when I don't see it either. But when I look at him and feel my smile, its no ownder I'm still madly in love. I say still, because this isn't a normal thing for me. I'm so consistent in my changing. So consistent that normally nothing lasts long. I've grown to love life that way but I find myself "settling" comfortably, happilly. Because I can see myself in ten years, still madly in love with him. I don't see it any other way. And I'm glad. I can do this. I believe in myself, in this love, in him. And I know he believes too. Not to say I've lost faith in change. Because I haven't for sure. I still believe it can happen and that it will always happen. But perhaps, not in the way that I love him. Because I believe in consistence with him. Patterns, schedules, that althought they may change my partner remains. Lovingly, happily. And no matter how much I dwell on the fact that no one else can understand, I still very strongly believe in it. And for once its good to believe in something. Especially something like this in all its beauty and all its terror.

To: You

I'm starting with this moment, and I'm giving it to you. You can have it. My mind is full. So you get all of that too. You get everything. Everything in this moment. Lucky you.

ill?

My body aches, it's amazing,
how it feels.
Broken and sick.
My heart beats,
incessantly,
annoyingly.
It's hot
and I feel the heat
flashing over my face
in uncontrollable waves.
Waves that will make me nauseaus
and parch my throat.