Dependency and Doubt / Reliance and Reassurance

I'm so afraid to become dependent. I am dependent on my family. I am dependent on my medication. I don't want to become dependent on anyone or anything else. (when I typed this sentence I typed won't instead of want, which to me is proof that I've built up walls in my mind) Especially when my goal this year is to become independent of these things, or at least self-dependent.

Burden.

Sounds harsh, I know, but that's how I feel. I have faith that I exist to help people. Unshakable faith in that. But I've always said, "You can't love anyone else until you've learned to love yourself." "You can't help anyone else until you've learned to help yourself." And these are both things that I struggle with. My demons are my doubts. I doubt my words. I doubt my strength. I doubt my knowledge.
I doubt myself.
_______________________________________________

My friend Eric said to me, "Friends should be reliant on each other." And so, I compared my fear of dependence to the idea of reliance. I should absolutely allow myself to rely and trust my friends and my family. It's years of distrust that have reinforced my depression and my anxiety. A very significant goal I have set for myself this year is to understand my psyche and gain control over my anxiety and depression. In order to do this for myself (and the people whom I love, who love me) I will rely on trust (and my better judgment) to get me through my trying times.

Reassurance.

Understanding and knowing. Having faith. And not just in myself, but in the world. Living without faith will lead anyone down a treacherous path. I've lost myself enough times to know that when you become faithless, "you" becomes just as -less as your faith. Lacking faith in humanity will make you "human -less"; inhuman even. Lacking faith in your self will make you self -less (lacking self). Lacking faith in morals will lead you to amoralism. Without faith, and a constant reinforcement and reassurance of your faith, you will become nothing. I refuse to become faithless.
I refuse to become nothing.

Success: Defining and Understanding

A while back, during one of my more down times in life, my mother came across some "Success Quotes" in one of her home magazines. She pulled them out and gave them to me, knowing that the idea of "success" (in all of its glory) was stressing me out and bringing me down. I felt like I was a failure, that I had wasted the entire twenty-one years of my life. The quotes that helped me out most were:

"Success is a state of mind. If you want success, start thinking of yourself as a success."- Dr. Joyce Brothers

If anyone was to tell you that you have failed (at anything) you may take it hard. When it's your own mind telling you that, though, it's something else. Other's mean words are easier to brush off, but your own adverse thoughts stay with you. Staying positive is an important key to achieving success.

"A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do."- Bob Dylan

You create your own goals, your own idea of success. If I was to wake tomorrow, and say to myself "Today you will smile, laugh, love." I would absolutely go to sleep feeling my success. Say what you want to say, do what you want to do, act in today for tomorrow, saving yesterday for memories.

"Don't confuse fame with success, Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other."- Erma Bombeck

I know that the majority of the population has done exactly what Erma Bombeck has told us not to do. Helen Keller was (and still is), without a doubt, famous. But her level of success is far greater than Madonna's. I, personally, would much prefer to have Helen Keller's success over Madonna's fame.

"Always aim for achievement, and forget about success."- Helen Hayes

So simple. Make goals, and aim to achieve them. Success is an idea that has been built up by years and years of media and outside influences. Take control of your own success, achieve what you want to achieve, be self-suficient and self-reliant. Never forget about your happiness.

"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome."- Booker T. Washington

When you look at it from this perspective, and don't negate the things you have overcome in life, you'll see how "successful" you truly are. If you're reading this, you are a success, you've made it to this point in your life. Don't deny yourself that kind of success.

All of these quotes bring up so many different ideas of success. Which proves (to me at least) that success is a state of mind, a personal belief, and there really is no single "meaning" or "act" of success.

Empowering Women

Empowering Women
"As a woman I have no country. As a woman my country is the whole world."
—Virginia Woolf

Timothy Leary, known for his advocacy of psychedelic drug research and use, once said, "Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition." His words about women speak undeniable knowledge and truth. Women have overcome so many barriers and boundaries throughout history. We need not strive for the ever so "simple" equality.

We should be striving for our independence, respect, dignity, health, happiness, et-cetera. We should embrace our sex; our empathetic loving nurturing nature. Joan Baez (one of my favorite singer/songwriter/activist of the sixties) said, in the LA Times article of 1974 "Sexism Seen but Not Heard", "Instead of getting hard ourselves and trying to compete, women should try and give their best qualities to men- bring them softness, teach them how to cry." As a feminist, I couldn't agree more.

Feminists have been given a poor name due to their extreme and oftentimes radical exploits. But liberal feminism should change the face of that. We do not want to become like men, we want to be powerful as women. We certainly should not allow the history of prejudice to feed any sort of hate, especially hate towards our contrasting sex. Jane Galvin Lewis said, "You don't have to be anti-man to be pro-woman."

Women are empowered. In our minds, our hearts, and our souls. It is in our actions and our goals and successes that we need more empowerment.

CARE is an organization that is dedicated to women of the world; fighting poverty, and defending dignity. Take a few minutes today and watch the video (linked via the image below), add your name, join the cause.

Happiness: The Attainment

How does one attain Happiness?

I suppose I should start this off with the definition of happiness. According to Wordnet happiness is "a state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy", or "emotions experienced when in a state of well-being". So perhaps the real question is how does one come into a state of well-being? The answers are varied of course; depending on location, culture, personal beliefs, and so on.

However, here in the United States happiness and well-being is often based entirely around how much money one makes, or how successful one is. The truth of the matter is that our idea of "happiness" has been reduced to ruin by the years of social/media influences. True happiness is something that comes from anything but money. Franklin D. Roosevelt even said, "Happiness is not the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort." But perhaps it's even beyond achievement and effort.

Reflecting on his early mornings spent walking through the produce market the (then) homeless Laurie Seagel wrote, "I was joyous watching the beauty of existence." Later he wrote, "I did have an acute sense of something like regret or sorrow that other people were not enjoying existence as much as I was then. If only they could sit more quietly and look, listen, feel. I felt that people could live better that way and that society would be better, life would be better that way." If a man can be joyous in merely watching and experiencing something as mundane as a produce market, then perhaps this "search" for happiness is in vain; and happiness is something to be found within yourself.

Happiness cannot be so simplified, so tangible. The true meaning of happiness is vague, personal and certainly indefinite. Helen Keller wrote, "Happiness cannot come from without. It must come from within. It is not what we see and touch or that which others do for us which makes us happy; it is that which we think and feel and do, first for the other fellow and then for ourselves." First for the other fellow.

Albert Schweitzer said, "I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve." He is compared to Nietzsche, Tolstoy, and even Francis of Assisi. Along the same lines as these Buddha said, "Happiness comes from when your work and words are of benefit to yourself and others."

When I was first asked this question by my dear friend Tiffany, I thought she was speaking to me specifically and the answer that came to mind was as follows: "I gain happiness through all sorts of things, mostly gratification from completing a task, or even just starting one." She then explained to me that her question was more general and not directed to my own personal attainment of happiness. So on my search for the answer, I came across this quote from Helen Keller and realized how wrong I was in my thoughtless answer. "Many people have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose."- Hellen Keller

So through all of this, I have learned several things, the one most dear to me being how I should truly be attempting to obtain happiness. I hope this gives someone (anyone) else some things to consider.

A Weeks Worth of Food for $1.23

Believe it. Thanks to World Food Programme this family in Darfur will eat this week on $1.23 US currency. As you can see from the image, it's not a whole lot of food. But it is certainly a whole lot more than they would be getting without the help of the United Nations and WFP. 77.7 gallons of water provided to that family by Oxfam will be used for all of that families water needs. So next time you see a charity commercial asking you to donate just a few cents a day, consider it. You'll be saving lives.

Cat Powered Volvo

So, yeah. Beautiful song, beautiful voice, beautiful girl, and beautiful car. Can my life be like this? Sometimes it already feels like it. Not that I'm driving a Volvo or singing as clear as Cat Power, but when this girl is walking through the field...that's a feeling I can relate to. It's love.

Push Leads to Shovel

Frustrated.

All of the things
I told myself not to allow
have happened.

I understand that
I don't have control
of everything.

I do feel as though
I've messed up again
I hate messing up.

Please stop pushing
I've backed myself up
against a wall.

Too weak to climb
my eyes darting
for any escape.

Only place to go now
is down, so thanks
for the shovel.

Buried.

And I'm not a Pink Flamingo

I can stand.
I've got legs.
And they are strong.

I'm standing on one leg right now.
So please don't push.
I don't have balance.

And I've always had trouble putting my foot down.

I thank God.

I thank God. For the sun today. For His hand. For the strength he is giving me. For the blessings I have.
I thank God for my Gifts, all of them, even the ones I don't understand.
I thank God for the female role models I have in my life, and the strength they have. I thank God for the male role models I have, despite the difficulties I have in actually seeing them.
I thank God for that breeze that just reminded me that I have Him, always, in everything.
I thank God for knowing where I am when I feel lost.
I thank God for the love I have, the immeasurable amount.
I thank God for my ability to love, forever.
I thank God for the home He has for me, no matter how far I may have strayed in the past.
I thank God for forgiving me, but never forgetting me.

Just so you know.

Life fascinates me, honestly. I'm intrigued by life and people, the lives that people lead, and the art that these lives create.
Strangers make me smile. When I'm walking down the street and I come across a couple holding hands, or two dog walkers chatting about their day or their dogs, random Jewish people who cross the street in front of cars with no fear on their faces, children laughing in that fake way (you know, when a kid knows something should be funny so they force themselves to laugh), all people that I don't know and probably never will. Just being able to encounter them and share those brief moments. Thats what makes me smile.
I can cry out of happiness during long awaited reunions with friends or family, some weddings (as cliche as it is), hell even some memorial services have made me cry out of happiness. I cry out of sadness when I feel hopeless, scared, lonely, sometimes even when I'm witnessing others hopelessness, fear or loneliness.
Smirks happen alot, mostly when I witness something sneaky in a cute or sweet way (like stolen kisses in public, or giggling over silly things like mispelled signs that end up with a more sexual meaning).
I am very passionate about people, so my ambition is to know people, study people, love people. I meet people everyday, and my passion is getting to know these people. Becoming friends, lovers, or just acquaintances that you'd barely wave at when you walk by one another, it never matters because what else can you do in life? Meeting and interacting with fellow human beings, sharing experiences, learning and growing with eachother. Thats my passion, thats my ambition.
I'm seeking art, in every manner. Through people, strangers, lovers, friends, family. I want to discover the art that goes unnoticed. The beauty of light, the wind through the trees, the taste of a kiss....
It's all art to me. It's what I seek. What I strive for. What keeps me going every day.

-
M

Fireworks on the Freeway-July 4th

The festival was almost dull all day. We had a few problems with some of the musicians but at a quarter to nine me and Karyn were recruited for a "Secret Squirrel" mission of sorts. We had no idea what we were doing, so when we all met up at a extra huge handicap porto-potty with gloves we thought we were doomed to move a toilet. Luckily we were escorted to a cop car (and I can honestly say that I've never heard anyone say that). The cop was going to take us up onto the closed off freeway (which was closed because the fireworks were being shot off right below and plenty of debris, some still on fire, would land on the freeway). We had to drive through town to get onto an off-ramp. It was me, Karyn, and Xolie in the backseat of this cop car, and you could tell by the looks on most peoples faces they were suprised to see such attractive young women who had been arrested. So we laughed and waved with our wrists together, making faces (some vulgar). Even the cop thought it was funny. We finally got onto the freeway and the cop let us out. I have never been on a freeway before in my life, at least not outside of a car. It was bizarre, but also very cool. We even got to lay in the middle. There was a firetruck and a group of firemen on the freeway with us, for safety reasons I'm sure, but they seemed to think they were there to flirt. Xolie and Karyn watched the fireworks laying in the middle of the freeway (but I wanted to give them some privacy, and I was scared of having some flying firing debris land on my head). So I sat on the firetruck, talking to some of the firemen. One even invited me back to the firehouse to hang out. I graciously declined. After the fireworks were over we walked along the freeway looking for large pieces of debris. There were other people that were there specifically to pick up the trash and it had a very creepy zombie feel. Me and Karyn even walked towards Xolie like we were zombies....very funny.

Having fireworks exploding right above you is loud, but brilliant. It was for sure, a once in a lifetime opportunity. I'm really glad that I got to see it happen. And I hope that next year we can do it again.

I will never forget July Fourth 2006.

Sunset July 5th

Transcribed from my journal:

My very own sunglassed sunset. I got up here early. This time alone. It's windy but the air is perfect and having the wind through my hair is nice. Without my sunglasses the sky is yellow and blue, pastel colors and so beautiful. With them though, its orange, yellow, pink and blue. (And you can see the lining of the clouds right above the mountains).
So here I am with my altered sunset. Alone, but hardly lonely. Long day. I began to think the sun would never set. But myself as my witness, it finally is. Unbelievable and so refreshing. Once it hits the mountains it sinks quickly. I almost hate to see it go. Half way gone, but soon I'll unalter it and the colors will come. Purple mountains and a rainbow of colored clouds and sky, fading into the still blue sky. The ball has sunk, completely below those mountains. And slowly a few clouds settle into place above the golden glow. Reds getting darker nowand a purple strengthens. I can feel the sky darkening above me, maybe even around me. They always say a watched pot never boils, but a watched sunset boils too fast. Unbelievable. And I'll watch it in reverse in the morning.

Beautiful.

I can't wait.

Sunset July 13th

Yesterday again, Giles (my stranger) came over to enjoy the sunset. It's become tradition and we do our best to do it everyday. We climed onto the roof and settled in for the sunset at the perfect time. The sun was just hitting the mountains, and the colors had just begun. I couldn't have asked for a more beautiful sunset last night.

And even though the sun sinks fast when it hits the mountains,
I pretended that it lasted for hours.

Long-time now Long-distance

Shame on me for not finding a way to say goodbye. But I was too scared. I can't believe she's actually leaving. That I won't see her. I've taken advantage of having her so close. Got so used to seeing her all the time. I feel like I may have wasted the last few times I got to see her on stupid stuff like talking to other people. I should have just been with Hiroko. And I know I'm going to miss her dearly. I can't imagine my life without her. Shame on me for being too scared to say goodbye. Afraid to cry and live up to the reality of her leaving.

Once we were long-time friends, now it will be long-distance.

Sunsets and Small Friends

Today's sunset was meant to be shared with The Bizz. We spent our waiting time listening to music. And when we finally went to get on the roof we realized that we hadn't found a safe way that Lizz could get up, so we ended up watching the sunrise from behind the house through the trees. We had already gotten half way up and I had to crawl by Lizz in order to help her get down by having her jump on my back. It was definitely an obstacle for the both of us.

Still a sunset enjoyed.

Sunset June 27

After enjoying the sunrise that morning, I planned to watch the sunset. The roommates had gone to rehearsal, so it was just me and my friend Josh. We climbed up to the top of the garage which had been discovered to be the most comfortable place to sit and watch the sun. It had been a cloudy day and the clouds became paintings in our minds as we lay and waited for the color to come in. We had started early so we had plenty of time to share the paintings we found. Finally just as the sun was dissapearing over the mountains, the color came through the clouds in just a way, and made a perfect sunset.

Sunsets with Strangers

Yesterday the sun started to set on an empty house. I had already planned to sit and watch, but I hadn't planned to do it alone. There had been this guy that had been messaging me on myspace, in a friendly chatty way. We had been messaging back and forth for a few weeks, so I decided to invite him to the sunset. After a few trust questions, I gave him directions. So he showed up after talking on the phone for a few minutes and we climbed up to the roof and caught the end of the sunset.

So even though yesterday the sun started to set on an empty house, the sun set with strangers.

Good night Morning.

Last night I hung out having deep conversations at Benny's until four thirty or so this morning. We talked about so many things. I started the deep trend by asking "Do you want your parents life?". We then talked about family, and how we hope to learn from our parents' mistakes. I think that it's one thing every parent wishes for their child; to have learned from their mistakes. I know that my mother would be proud to hear it.
When I got back, Karyn and Anthony were up (they had been watching movies, "Misery", to be exact) so since the sun was rising I pulled them on to the roof of my garage. We sat there and watched the sun rise through the beautiful morning clouds. The weather was perfect for sunrise watching, warm with a cool slight breeze. I realized, sitting on that roof, that sunrises on mornings like this are one thing that make me love life. It was perfect, and I got to share it with my two best friends (my loving roommates). We then took a short walk under the newly sunlit trees. And then to top it off, we got donuts and brought them home to listen to the Dresden Dolls while eating them.
I couldn't have asked for anything more. I'm so thankful. For Benny's friendship, my roommates, the lady at the donut shop, and the Dresden Dolls. Without them my morning would have never been this.


I feel so much love.

Ouija

Last night was the first time that I ever played with a Ouija board. We had decided to do it after Karyn and Anthony (my roommates) drove out to Haunted Ponds, they were terrified and left quickly, returning to a small party that a few friends had thrown at my house. I sat and listened to their "terrifying" experience, which just sounded like they had spooked themselves. Benny (another friend) had come over and it was just the four of us. I'm unsure what started the Ouija part of the conversation, but we soon decided to play. We lit three candles and turned off all the lights, the board we were using had been found in the desert by a friend of Karyn's, and we placed it in the middle. The four of us, each to a side, sat with our legs crossed. I was nervous, shakey even, because I had been raised to believe in such things. At first Benny was the only one to ask questions, and I watched everyones fingers carefully making sure they weren't playing around. At first the board only spelled gibberish, moving slowly. But after only a few minutes it began to move much faster, gliding across the surface. Answering questions quickly, then waiting (almost as if patiently) for another. Ace, his name. Two other spirits were present, also male. When asked when he died he said 1995, when asked where he lived he said LA. We of course asked if he was a good spirit, he said yes. When asked if he knew I was scared he said yes. Anthony then asked if I should be, Karyn quickly telling him that those are the questions you don't want to ask in case the answer is yes. But the pointer quickly went to no. I began to feel hesitant, afraid to ask questions for fear of the two other spirits answering. I haven't done any sort of spiritual activity in years. Not since I was about thirteen, and alot had happened since then. Alot of death, that I wouldn't want to explore. My mind filled with thoughts of what every answer could mean. Worried that it might make sense or worse, direct it to me. We played the board for about an hour, but Karyn noticing the look of fear on my face told the spirit/s that we were signing off. The pointer glided to GOODBYE and we all lifted our fingers. My hand was ice cold, while everyone elses was warm. And the worst thing, is it was cold from the inside. I could feel it in my bones. I most definitely plan on playing again, not only out of curiousity, but pure desire. All of my dreams were muddled last night, as if I was watching several movies at once on the same screen. Nothing clear, multiple voices and sounds, and a strong sense of being crowded.

Ouija, what have you done?

So yesterday...

Me and my mother went to see the One Acts at the community college (my roommate and some other friends acted and/or wrote). Before we went we got coffee and cookies, but that really has nothing to do with what I'm writing this for. When we got out of the car at the college we went to cross the parking lot and this car came peeling in. My mom made this little yelp and half runned in front of the car. So I said "What, were you trying to lure the car away from me?"and she did a little fake scream and yelled, "Don't hit my baby!" While waving her arms around. We laughed so hard we almost didn't make it in time.
And then during one of the intermissions I noticed a friend of mine (Liz the Biz) sitting in the front row, I wanted to get her attention so I balled up a gum wrapper and went to throw it at her. But my mom grabbed my arm and in a hushed voice (hushed but still loud enough for everyone to hear her) said "That little girl is watching you!". So I turned to look and this little girl was literally a foot from me and staring at me through her bangs. I swear it was something straight out of a horror movie. And that provoked even more laughing.


That is all. I just wanted to share/remember some of the funny times I have with my mom. I swear that if she hadn't raised me I wouldn't have a sense of humor.